Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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