you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
