naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
