She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
