While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
