dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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