The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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