remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I want is dick and wine.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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