Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
