That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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