I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
