cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize