so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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