I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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