Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
