a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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