the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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