my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
