you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
