i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
