she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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