the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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