dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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