I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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