Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
