did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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