My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
