You smell like stripper and shame
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
