im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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