I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
