I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!