She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site