look no pants
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
