i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Panties = found
Randomize
