my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
