2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
