Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
