I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
