That's when you crack a 10am beer
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
