He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
