That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
