thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
