Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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