the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
