boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize