I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
