Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
