So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
