I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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