God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
