I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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