Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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