thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it was like having sex with a tree stump
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
