I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
