billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
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Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.