last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
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Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home