I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How external is "for external use only"?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen