May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.