this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.