Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with