You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
