Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
