Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
